The "Me Bag"

This week, Peyton was chosen to present her "Me Bag". Basically her teacher sends home a bag (like a reusable grocery bag) with a note asking the student to place things in the bag that help represent who they are as a person.  I'm sure you can imagine what most children want to put in the bag.  The moment we got the bag home on Tuesday, Peyton began filling it with crap.  Seriously, Josh and I just watched as she ran around her room like crazy finding random objects to stuff in.  One of the items that the list asks students to bring is a picture of his/her family.  I asked Peyton to draw a picture of our family - she drew herself, me, Josh, & Duke.  I almost choked on my dinner when I saw the picture because I was very confused.  See for yourself:

I gently asked her to explain what body parts she drew.  Apparently the circles on the edges of our bodies are our hips (I was thinking butt!) and the circle within the circle is our belly buttons.  I don't have a belly button in the picture because obviously I am wearing a dress.  Let me explain the picture.  Starting on the left, on top is Duke (who DOES have a belly button), I am on the bottom in yellow.  Apparently I was having a wild hair day.  Peyton is in the middle, drawn in black or brown, with fairly short hair.  She has hips, a belly button, hands, and feet/shoes.  I believe she is also wearing a dress, but there must be some sort of "belly button hole" in it.  Josh is on the right side in yellow.  He is much taller than me and Peyton, I'm not sure that he is wearing any clothes, and he has a smaller belly button than Duke and Peyton.  She asked how to spell Duke & Daddy and did the rest of the writing on her own.  Someday I'll teach her to write in a straight line.  Maybe.

Ok, so here are the contents of her Me Bag:  (after many discussions about what should/should not go...)
- Hand drawn picture of family
- Photograph of family
- Woo (her favorite pink & white puppy!)
- Baby Ava 
- Ariel (I hope her teacher doesn't hate me once Peyton makes Ariel "sing" a billion times)
- A random heart bracelet
- A Shutterfly book of her 4th year of life (3rd birthday to 4th birthday)
- Frozen Soundtrack CD
- Cinderella Book (the one Duke didn't chew on)
- Mini-Pillowpet - ladybug

We are also taking a bag of oranges & grapefruit for her to share with her class since he loves helping Josh garden.  I asked the assistant teacher yesterday if we were allowed to bring oranges and grapefruit and she said yes, but I'm not 100% sure they will be ok.  Her main teacher isn't usually at school when I drop P off, so I didn't have a chance to get the ok from her.  Hopefully I didn't waste time cleaning and cutting fruit for nothing!

Will hopefully update with a picture of P and her Me Bag tomorrow!

The Gunny Bunny

So I may or may not have accidentally caused Peyton to now be scared of the dark and sleeping.  

Let's back up... when my sister and I were little my parents told us about the Gunny Bunny.  I don't remember much about it, but my sister says that the Gunny Bunny would take our toys that we left out on the floor if we didn't clean them up.  Again, I'm not sure this actually happened, but my sister tends to have a good memory and I do remember something about a creepy bunny sneaking into our house.

So anyway, I have told the story to Peyton a few times and then helped her clean up her toys saying, "I'd hate for the Gunny Bunny to come tonight!".  On Sunday night, Peyton went to bed as usual.  She woke up around 3 and crawled into bed with us.  "I had a bad dream, Mommy! It was the Gunny Bunny" (cue instant guilt).  Then she was up at 4 because she had to go potty.  When she finally crawled back into bed she wanted me to face her while we slept.  I have a hard time sleeping on my left side, so I told her no, but that she could still cuddle up against me.  Then she asked, "well can we both think about going to the park and playing in the sand together?"  "Of course we can."  So we both went back to bed dreaming about playing at the park!
Monday night she asked, "so you are sleeping with me tonight, right?" umm... no.  I told her I would stay with her until she fell asleep and that I would leave her lamp on and her door open.  She crawled into bed with me around 2, but she hadn't had any bad dreams, thankfully.
I do feel bad that she had a bad dream, but I tried to tell her that I have bad dreams too sometimes and that we don't always have bad dreams.  She was so happy this morning when she woke up to report that she had "no dreams"!  
And before you try to judge me and my parenting skills, just back off!  Just because you wouldn't dare tell your child about the Gunny Bunny, it doesn't mean I am horrible for using it as a helpful cleaning tool. Quit judging.

Preschool

 Peyton has been in daycare practically her whole life. (yes, I know I am a horrible mother- don't worry I'm reminded of that often!) Anyway, she went to Hamilton's Lil' Express program from when she was an infant (10 weeks) until the end of the last school year.  She made some wonderful friends at Hamilton.  Another parent from Hamilton looked at other options for the important "before kindergarten" year.  She decided on a Reggio inspired preschool at one of the elementary schools in Chandler and I opted to move Peyton as well.  Peyton was SOOOO happy to remain in a class with her BEST friends Abby & Ella.  

Peyton doesn't particularly like school - it is hard work to be good all day, share toys, not yell and scream, etc etc however she has gained so much knowledge in just the past semester.  I am so happy we made the change.  The scheduling has been difficult because I can't drop her off until 7:30 and I have to pick her up by 4:30.  My school is only 2.5 miles from her school, but it is a struggle to not be the first one dropped off and the last one picked up.  The afternoons are especially difficult because my students are not released until 3:58pm.  I barely have time to pack up my purse and shut off my computer before I have to run out the door.  

Now, before you think that she hates school based on the first picture, I have to admit that the only reason she frowned was because I was taking  so many pictures. Poor thing!  And I will also admit that I was the one who cried on the first day when I dropped her off.  I was happy for her to be with her friends but I was sad to see her growing up so fast!  She had a rough start with a couple of bad days, and she has continued to have a few bad days here and there, but overall she has made a great transition.  Next year she will hopefully attend school with me. (I'm on a K-8 campus)  I can't wait!  Right now she thinks that would be the coolest thing (to go to school with mom), but I'm not sure how long that feeling will last once she is there! :)

California - Summer 2013

After a fairly rough spring we decided to head west to California.  We went last year and stayed in San Diego and hit Sea World.  This year we stayed with some family friends and hit up the San Diego Zoo.  We went to the beach many times, but the one time I wanted to get a little color on my skin was the day it was gray, overcast, and COLD.  Josh will say it wasn't cold.  But don't believe him. It was cold. Peyton was in a "I refuse to take nice pictures with Mommy" stage. I was not happy! Here are a few pictures from our trip.

Comforting Someone Who Lost a Pregnancy

These suggestions are things I have thought of since my loss- they won't apply to everyone.

1. Be there: I know it sounds silly, but just being there for someone is such a comfort.  My mom was there for me.  She played with Peyton, brought me comfy socks, and was just there.  She wasn't a huge talker- she didn't know what to say, and that was ok.  I knew that I could talk to her if I wanted.  I just didn't.  She didn't press it.  I was thankful for that. (although she may JUST be finding out that I was thankful!)

2. Don't be hurt if she doesn't want your help.  It's great to offer to cook a meal, take care of another child, etc, but don't be offended if the answer is no.  Many people don't know what they need or want during a loss... but your offer to help is noticed.  If you offer to take care of another child, don't be offended if the answer is no... I was extra attached to Peyton after my loss.  It gave me something to focus on. It gave me a purpose.  I couldn't stand someone taking that away from me - it was only going to leave me alone with my thoughts.

3. Try not to talk about everyone else's pregnancies.  "Oh did you hear so-and-so is pregnant?" "Oh, Kim Kardashian is pregnant!" "Oh the princess is pregnant!" Oh fabulous... that is not what I wanted to hear. Don't get me wrong- I was happy for others who were pregnant, especially my sister and sister-in-law, but it was hard.  It was so hard not to cry.  And trust me, I noticed every little baby bump out there.  I still do.  There is no need to remind me.  I get it, you can't avoid the news of other people's pregnancies, but understand that it is hard.  My sister and I experienced our first pregnancies together, and we thought we would experience our second together, too.  After my loss I found it hard to talk to my sister and I know she found it hard to talk to me.  She wanted to protect me.  When she was diagnosed with gestational diabetes she didn't tell me.  I totally get it.  I wish I could have been there for her more.  I tried to make sure to ask her questions about baby (gender unknown at the time). I felt awful for her.  I didn't want her to think I didn't care.  

4. Something that really annoyed me was when people would tell me how good I looked- I lost some weight after the loss and I did look better than I had in a long time.  I know this sounds stupid, but it was just another reminder... imagine why I lost the weight... depression.  Part of me wanted to appreciate the compliment and I would really try - but what I really wanted at that time was to be nice and fat with a baby!

5. "So, are you going to try again?" - a statement to avoid. Please.

6. If she is still going to the doctor for ultrasounds and bloodwork like I had to, offer to go with her.  Hold her hand. 

7. If she has to take the medication to induce the miscarriage, sit with her. Get the pain pills, a blanket, and a pillow.  Probably a towel to sit on too, just in case.  It is a messy ordeal. Not for those squeemish around blood.

8. Consider lighting a candle on October 15th. http://www.october15th.com/ 

9. Avoid phrases like "You are lucky it happened so early" or "better than having a stillborn baby".  While I agree with both of those statements, they bring no comfort.  I've found myself saying both of those things - but that doesn't mean I want someone else to say them to me.  I know that is a double-standards. I don't care.

Very few people could give me true comfort- and those that could were people who had already experienced a loss.  You'd be surprised at how many people around you have experienced loss and never said anything.  It was scary.  More over, it was SAD.  My best friend wanted so badly to comfort me, but she couldn't.  She could try to imagine what I was feeling, but she had no idea... until she lost her baby... it was only then that she truly understood.  I am thankful we went through our losses together.  I'm not saying I'm glad we lost babies- I'm saying I'm glad we had each other for support.  It's not that I didn't want or need everyone else's thoughts and comforting words - I appreciated everything (flowers, Starbucks, cards, etc), but I just kept thinking "you have no idea".  Is that awful?  Maybe.  Was that how I have dealt with this? Yep.  Don't like it?  That's ok.  

If you are trying to be there for someone who has experienced a loss, just be there.  A big hug, a handwritten note (my mother-in-law's card stating "you are experiencing something no mother should ever experience" was worded perfectly), a gift card to get food, a sweet treat... whatever... they will know you cared enough to try.  Try not to be offended when they just want to be alone or they don't want to talk about it.  I can't tell you the number of times I've cried in church.  It seems so dumb, but the words of a song will get to me, and I just can't hold back.  I feel ridiculous, but maybe that is my place of healing, and I usually sleep better than night knowing that I let some of my emotions out. 

Swimming Lessons

For the 2nd year in a row, Peyton took swimming lessons over the summer.  I was a little worried about the class I signed her up for (I can't remember the name... but last year she was a tadpole... maybe she was a shrimp this year?).  I wasn't sure of the difficulty level, plus, she hadn't been swimming since last summer.  Anyway, she did great.  I was super annoyed that her teacher for the first week went on vacation and she had to have a different teacher the second week.  Peyton struggled the first two days or so to get confident with the teacher and in the water, so switching teachers mid-way through the class caused Peyton to take a small step back. 

By the end of the two weeks Peyton was able to:
- go underwater by herself
- float on her back with little support
- swim underwater with support
- flip from belly float to back float with little support

Super proud of this fishie!

Good Riddance 2013

Although there were some wonderful times in 2013, I am not sad to be putting it behind us.  If you've already heard this story, it is best to quit now.  No one likes a sad story, but it is healing for the writer- so here I go.
Right after the new year, Peyton and I were playing on the floor.  She reached over to my belly and said "hi little guy!"  It was very odd, but maybe young children are more perceptive than we give them credit for.  A few weeks later I was convinced that I was pregnant - I had all the early signs, yet the first test (1/10) I took was negative.  I think my heart broke a little with that test.  Several days later I still hadn't started my period and I was still feeling those early symptoms.  Twelve days (1/22) after taking the first test, I took another one and it was positive.  I cried.  A lot. I was so excited, but also nervous- what if I was ruining Peyton's life?! She was so used to being an only child- how would a baby disrupt her life?  And then I was happy that she would finally be a big sister.  She had been talking about wanting a baby for a while.  She would be the perfect (bossy) older sister.  
I made an appointment with my OB for February 5th.  I was already planning on taking the day off because Peyton and I had dentist appointments, so it worked well with our schedule. (I can't help that I am a planner...).  Josh met us at the appointment where they did the exam and confirmed the pregnancy.  We didn't say anything to Peyton as I was still so nervous about it.  For some dumb reason the doctors office couldn't do an ultrasound that day, so I scheduled it for the next day.  We went back and again they confirmed the pregnancy, although their calculations were way off from mine.  According to my cycle I should have been 8-9 weeks by then, but the ultrasound showed it at barely 6.  I tried not to worry, remembering that they pushed my due date with Peyton back due to her size in the womb.  No worries, it happens, all bodies are different.
They scheduled another ultrasound for the next week since they didn't see a heartbeat during the first scan.  It was normal to not see a heart beat considering how early they thought I was.
The next week we went back and watched the scan... something was off.  The sac where we had seen the baby last week seemed empty.  I said something to the effect of "it looks empty" to the ultrasound technician and she said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry I can't say anything". Really? Um, pretty sure you just confirmed my worst fear.  There was no baby.
Correction, there WAS a baby, but it hadn't developed- most likely due to a chromosomal defect.  The doctor was very kind and explained that I would probably start bleeding but before they could do anything (give medication to cause the miscarriage or do a D&C), i had to get bloodwork and an additional ultrasound in about 10 days.  There was a chance that the baby was fine.
I knew that the baby wasn't ok. I knew I wasn't ok. I think I was in a fog after that.  I cried a lot and was so confused.  What had I done to deserve this? Was I not good enough? Was Peyton not good enough to be a big sister? Everyone said "it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong", but there is no way a woman CAN'T feel responsible.  
I was lucky enough to have a few friends who had similar experiences, including my sister-in-law.  I had so many people supporting me, but until you've experienced this loss, you can't begin to comfort someone.  A few days after the confirmation that the baby had not survived my best friend found out she was pregnant.  I tried really hard not to be mad at her. I was really happy for her, but so sad for me at the same time.  Oh, and did I mention that my sister AND sister-in-law were pregnant at this time? Ouch.  I could barely look at them, and I'm pretty sure they could barely look at me, knowing how I was feeling - especially my sister-in-law who knew exactly how I was feeling.
After several ultrasounds and bloodwork to confirm everything, I was prescribed the medication that was supposed to help open the uterus and begin the expelling of tissue.  I took a few days off work, as did Josh, for this to happen.  Some people said it was extremely painful (both physically & emotionally) and others said it was more like a severe period.  The anticipation was the worst.  And we waited... and waited... and waited... and nothing happened.  While I sat around and waited for this massive bleeding to start I continued to have regular bloodwork (my HGC levels were not decreasing as they should have been) and ultrasounds to confirm there was still fetal tissue.  Finally on 3/10 the miscarriage occurred.  It was painful, I remember being on the floor of our bedroom in the fetal position crying.  Thankfully my mom came over to watch Peyton and she was asleep through most of it.  I was thankful the process was finally happening because up until then, all I could think about was having a dead baby inside of me. And I felt like a failure of a mother, for sure. Yes, I know I wasn't supposed to feel that way.  
The bleeding wouldn't stop and I was getting nervous.  I passed out twice and told Josh I wanted to go to the hospital.  He didn't think it was necessary so I finally showed him how much blood was coming out.  He called my mom to come back to our house to watch Peyton while he took me.  He ran a red light.  He would never say or admit it, but I think he started to get nervous. (I'm sure after reading this he'll tell me he wasn't)
I wasn't anemic, but after a pretty intense ultrasound the doctors confirmed that I had tissue stuck and my body was trying to flush it out with massive amounts of blood.  They took me into a room and attempted to pull out the remaining tissue.  One of the worst experiences of my life.  If you're a woman, imagine a pelvic exam that lasted at least twenty minutes, all while feeling blood gushing out of your body. If you're a man, try not to imagine it at all.  It wasn't pretty. The nurse was so kind and stood next to me holding my hand, telling me it was ok to cry and be sad.  I think that was the first time someone had actually said that to me.  
We were only at the hospital for a few hours before they sent me home.  Most of the bleeding had stopped and I was feeling better after a shot of painkillers.  
It took several more weeks for my body to finish expelling everything and I had additional ultrasounds to check for more tissue.  They found there was STILL tissue in my body and my HCG levels were still higher than they should have been.  All in all, I think I had 7 or 8 ultrasounds and 14 or 15 blood draws.  Sometime around my birthday I got a call from the doctor that my HCG levels were still "high" and that they still believed there was tissue stuck.  I told them I'd call them back to make an appointment.  I never did.  I was so sick of being poked and prodded and I did NOT want to take that medication again.
I know there are a million things that happened in between, but I just don't remember it all.  There were so many people that were amazing to me and others had no idea what to say or do- that was ok too.  I was surprised by how many people tried to pretend nothing was happening.  It was very odd to me, but then again, I wasn't sure how to support those around me when it happened to them.  Now I know better.  There are so many suggestions I'd offer to those trying to support someone who has experienced a loss.  I just can't even write them right now.  It's too much for me.
I think one of the worst parts of this whole ordeal was when my best friend lost her baby.  She went in for the ultrasound to find the gender and there was no heartbeat.  Her baby had died around 15 weeks and she didn't know until 18 weeks.  She called me that morning, right after her appointment - it was early, I know, because I was trying to get Peyton out of the house for swimming lessons.  She was so calm and said that the baby didn't make it.  I burst into tears, not even knowing what to say.  I remember telling her that she needed to get the surgery right away - that she couldn't wait around knowing the baby wasn't ok.  Her loss was so much more severe than mine - and I felt like I finally had a purpose.  We may live far away from each other, but I wanted to be her biggest supporter.  
We both still struggle on a daily basis- some days are better than others.  It's been almost a year since my ordeal started and I still cry about it.  My sister-in-law told me that she won't ever get over her loss - even though she has had a baby since then, she still mourns for the baby she was never able to hold in her arms.  She wrote me a card in October and told me that one of the hardest months for her was her due date month.  I was so blown away by her thoughtfulness.  Not one other person made any attempt to comfort me during that month.  I think everyone else had forgotten about it.  Not me.
So while some amazing things happened in 2013 - a new niece, a new nephew, a trip to California - I am thankful to be putting it behind me and trying for a better year.  I know I'll have bad days but I am looking forward to more good days.
And I know what some readers are thinking, "geez, it was practically a year ago, she should be over this by now", all I can say is this: you try it.  You experience that loss and tell me how easy it is to just "get over".  

I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.

-Maya Angelou