These suggestions are things I have thought of since my loss- they won't apply to everyone.1. Be there: I know it sounds silly, but just being there for someone is such a comfort. My mom was there for me. She played with Peyton, brought me comfy socks, and was just there. She wasn't a huge talker- she didn't know what to say, and that was ok. I knew that I could talk to her if I wanted. I just didn't. She didn't press it. I was thankful for that. (although she may JUST be finding out that I was thankful!)
2. Don't be hurt if she doesn't want your help. It's great to offer to cook a meal, take care of another child, etc, but don't be offended if the answer is no. Many people don't know what they need or want during a loss... but your offer to help is noticed. If you offer to take care of another child, don't be offended if the answer is no... I was extra attached to Peyton after my loss. It gave me something to focus on. It gave me a purpose. I couldn't stand someone taking that away from me - it was only going to leave me alone with my thoughts.
3. Try not to talk about everyone else's pregnancies. "Oh did you hear so-and-so is pregnant?" "Oh, Kim Kardashian is pregnant!" "Oh the princess is pregnant!" Oh fabulous... that is not what I wanted to hear. Don't get me wrong- I was happy for others who were pregnant, especially my sister and sister-in-law, but it was hard. It was so hard not to cry. And trust me, I noticed every little baby bump out there. I still do. There is no need to remind me. I get it, you can't avoid the news of other people's pregnancies, but understand that it is hard. My sister and I experienced our first pregnancies together, and we thought we would experience our second together, too. After my loss I found it hard to talk to my sister and I know she found it hard to talk to me. She wanted to protect me. When she was diagnosed with gestational diabetes she didn't tell me. I totally get it. I wish I could have been there for her more. I tried to make sure to ask her questions about baby (gender unknown at the time). I felt awful for her. I didn't want her to think I didn't care.
4. Something that really annoyed me was when people would tell me how good I looked- I lost some weight after the loss and I did look better than I had in a long time. I know this sounds stupid, but it was just another reminder... imagine why I lost the weight... depression. Part of me wanted to appreciate the compliment and I would really try - but what I really wanted at that time was to be nice and fat with a baby!
5. "So, are you going to try again?" - a statement to avoid. Please.
6. If she is still going to the doctor for ultrasounds and bloodwork like I had to, offer to go with her. Hold her hand.
8. Consider lighting a candle on October 15th. http://www.october15th.com/
9. Avoid phrases like "You are lucky it happened so early" or "better than having a stillborn baby". While I agree with both of those statements, they bring no comfort. I've found myself saying both of those things - but that doesn't mean I want someone else to say them to me. I know that is a double-standards. I don't care.
Very few people could give me true comfort- and those that could were people who had already experienced a loss. You'd be surprised at how many people around you have experienced loss and never said anything. It was scary. More over, it was SAD. My best friend wanted so badly to comfort me, but she couldn't. She could try to imagine what I was feeling, but she had no idea... until she lost her baby... it was only then that she truly understood. I am thankful we went through our losses together. I'm not saying I'm glad we lost babies- I'm saying I'm glad we had each other for support. It's not that I didn't want or need everyone else's thoughts and comforting words - I appreciated everything (flowers, Starbucks, cards, etc), but I just kept thinking "you have no idea". Is that awful? Maybe. Was that how I have dealt with this? Yep. Don't like it? That's ok.
If you are trying to be there for someone who has experienced a loss, just be there. A big hug, a handwritten note (my mother-in-law's card stating "you are experiencing something no mother should ever experience" was worded perfectly), a gift card to get food, a sweet treat... whatever... they will know you cared enough to try. Try not to be offended when they just want to be alone or they don't want to talk about it. I can't tell you the number of times I've cried in church. It seems so dumb, but the words of a song will get to me, and I just can't hold back. I feel ridiculous, but maybe that is my place of healing, and I usually sleep better than night knowing that I let some of my emotions out.
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