Good Riddance 2013

Although there were some wonderful times in 2013, I am not sad to be putting it behind us.  If you've already heard this story, it is best to quit now.  No one likes a sad story, but it is healing for the writer- so here I go.
Right after the new year, Peyton and I were playing on the floor.  She reached over to my belly and said "hi little guy!"  It was very odd, but maybe young children are more perceptive than we give them credit for.  A few weeks later I was convinced that I was pregnant - I had all the early signs, yet the first test (1/10) I took was negative.  I think my heart broke a little with that test.  Several days later I still hadn't started my period and I was still feeling those early symptoms.  Twelve days (1/22) after taking the first test, I took another one and it was positive.  I cried.  A lot. I was so excited, but also nervous- what if I was ruining Peyton's life?! She was so used to being an only child- how would a baby disrupt her life?  And then I was happy that she would finally be a big sister.  She had been talking about wanting a baby for a while.  She would be the perfect (bossy) older sister.  
I made an appointment with my OB for February 5th.  I was already planning on taking the day off because Peyton and I had dentist appointments, so it worked well with our schedule. (I can't help that I am a planner...).  Josh met us at the appointment where they did the exam and confirmed the pregnancy.  We didn't say anything to Peyton as I was still so nervous about it.  For some dumb reason the doctors office couldn't do an ultrasound that day, so I scheduled it for the next day.  We went back and again they confirmed the pregnancy, although their calculations were way off from mine.  According to my cycle I should have been 8-9 weeks by then, but the ultrasound showed it at barely 6.  I tried not to worry, remembering that they pushed my due date with Peyton back due to her size in the womb.  No worries, it happens, all bodies are different.
They scheduled another ultrasound for the next week since they didn't see a heartbeat during the first scan.  It was normal to not see a heart beat considering how early they thought I was.
The next week we went back and watched the scan... something was off.  The sac where we had seen the baby last week seemed empty.  I said something to the effect of "it looks empty" to the ultrasound technician and she said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry I can't say anything". Really? Um, pretty sure you just confirmed my worst fear.  There was no baby.
Correction, there WAS a baby, but it hadn't developed- most likely due to a chromosomal defect.  The doctor was very kind and explained that I would probably start bleeding but before they could do anything (give medication to cause the miscarriage or do a D&C), i had to get bloodwork and an additional ultrasound in about 10 days.  There was a chance that the baby was fine.
I knew that the baby wasn't ok. I knew I wasn't ok. I think I was in a fog after that.  I cried a lot and was so confused.  What had I done to deserve this? Was I not good enough? Was Peyton not good enough to be a big sister? Everyone said "it's not your fault, you did nothing wrong", but there is no way a woman CAN'T feel responsible.  
I was lucky enough to have a few friends who had similar experiences, including my sister-in-law.  I had so many people supporting me, but until you've experienced this loss, you can't begin to comfort someone.  A few days after the confirmation that the baby had not survived my best friend found out she was pregnant.  I tried really hard not to be mad at her. I was really happy for her, but so sad for me at the same time.  Oh, and did I mention that my sister AND sister-in-law were pregnant at this time? Ouch.  I could barely look at them, and I'm pretty sure they could barely look at me, knowing how I was feeling - especially my sister-in-law who knew exactly how I was feeling.
After several ultrasounds and bloodwork to confirm everything, I was prescribed the medication that was supposed to help open the uterus and begin the expelling of tissue.  I took a few days off work, as did Josh, for this to happen.  Some people said it was extremely painful (both physically & emotionally) and others said it was more like a severe period.  The anticipation was the worst.  And we waited... and waited... and waited... and nothing happened.  While I sat around and waited for this massive bleeding to start I continued to have regular bloodwork (my HGC levels were not decreasing as they should have been) and ultrasounds to confirm there was still fetal tissue.  Finally on 3/10 the miscarriage occurred.  It was painful, I remember being on the floor of our bedroom in the fetal position crying.  Thankfully my mom came over to watch Peyton and she was asleep through most of it.  I was thankful the process was finally happening because up until then, all I could think about was having a dead baby inside of me. And I felt like a failure of a mother, for sure. Yes, I know I wasn't supposed to feel that way.  
The bleeding wouldn't stop and I was getting nervous.  I passed out twice and told Josh I wanted to go to the hospital.  He didn't think it was necessary so I finally showed him how much blood was coming out.  He called my mom to come back to our house to watch Peyton while he took me.  He ran a red light.  He would never say or admit it, but I think he started to get nervous. (I'm sure after reading this he'll tell me he wasn't)
I wasn't anemic, but after a pretty intense ultrasound the doctors confirmed that I had tissue stuck and my body was trying to flush it out with massive amounts of blood.  They took me into a room and attempted to pull out the remaining tissue.  One of the worst experiences of my life.  If you're a woman, imagine a pelvic exam that lasted at least twenty minutes, all while feeling blood gushing out of your body. If you're a man, try not to imagine it at all.  It wasn't pretty. The nurse was so kind and stood next to me holding my hand, telling me it was ok to cry and be sad.  I think that was the first time someone had actually said that to me.  
We were only at the hospital for a few hours before they sent me home.  Most of the bleeding had stopped and I was feeling better after a shot of painkillers.  
It took several more weeks for my body to finish expelling everything and I had additional ultrasounds to check for more tissue.  They found there was STILL tissue in my body and my HCG levels were still higher than they should have been.  All in all, I think I had 7 or 8 ultrasounds and 14 or 15 blood draws.  Sometime around my birthday I got a call from the doctor that my HCG levels were still "high" and that they still believed there was tissue stuck.  I told them I'd call them back to make an appointment.  I never did.  I was so sick of being poked and prodded and I did NOT want to take that medication again.
I know there are a million things that happened in between, but I just don't remember it all.  There were so many people that were amazing to me and others had no idea what to say or do- that was ok too.  I was surprised by how many people tried to pretend nothing was happening.  It was very odd to me, but then again, I wasn't sure how to support those around me when it happened to them.  Now I know better.  There are so many suggestions I'd offer to those trying to support someone who has experienced a loss.  I just can't even write them right now.  It's too much for me.
I think one of the worst parts of this whole ordeal was when my best friend lost her baby.  She went in for the ultrasound to find the gender and there was no heartbeat.  Her baby had died around 15 weeks and she didn't know until 18 weeks.  She called me that morning, right after her appointment - it was early, I know, because I was trying to get Peyton out of the house for swimming lessons.  She was so calm and said that the baby didn't make it.  I burst into tears, not even knowing what to say.  I remember telling her that she needed to get the surgery right away - that she couldn't wait around knowing the baby wasn't ok.  Her loss was so much more severe than mine - and I felt like I finally had a purpose.  We may live far away from each other, but I wanted to be her biggest supporter.  
We both still struggle on a daily basis- some days are better than others.  It's been almost a year since my ordeal started and I still cry about it.  My sister-in-law told me that she won't ever get over her loss - even though she has had a baby since then, she still mourns for the baby she was never able to hold in her arms.  She wrote me a card in October and told me that one of the hardest months for her was her due date month.  I was so blown away by her thoughtfulness.  Not one other person made any attempt to comfort me during that month.  I think everyone else had forgotten about it.  Not me.
So while some amazing things happened in 2013 - a new niece, a new nephew, a trip to California - I am thankful to be putting it behind me and trying for a better year.  I know I'll have bad days but I am looking forward to more good days.
And I know what some readers are thinking, "geez, it was practically a year ago, she should be over this by now", all I can say is this: you try it.  You experience that loss and tell me how easy it is to just "get over".  

I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.

-Maya Angelou